And here I go....

I used to be on MySpace and liked the blog aspect of it because at the time I was going through quite a lot in my life and needed to write. Then, I got re-married and was happy for all intents and purposes but have often thought that it would be nice to be able to write again. So, my friend has a blog on here and I thought I'd try it. And here I go...



Today is Sunday and Cody had to leave to go work today. We had a big hail storm here last week and he's gone to several cities close by to look at their vehicles for insurance claims. So, I'm at home alone (plus dog x1 and cat x2) and even though there are sheets in the washer that need to be dried and I REALLY want to go get some chicken fingers at the local market, I am writing.



I had to go back on depression medication a couple weeks ago. I've been having so much trouble getting up in the mornings lately. Sometimes it's everything I can do to drag my butt out of bed and get into the shower. Some days, if my hair looks okay, I'll just wash my face and put on makeup and not even take a shower. I'm not dirty in the least, I'd just look a whole lot better freshly-showered. I think my depression is a combination of things. I'm disenchanted with the new job I started in November (not what I expected), I've gained 30+ pounds in the past year or so and I'm feeling old and like I've missed the baby train big time.



I feel sometimes like I'll never be pregnant. I went off medication last fall and we were going to start trying and we did for about a month then stopped. We were having some major problems (mostly I needed a wakeup call from God and an attitude adjustment and to come to the realization that it was MY job to make myself happy - not my husband's) and so we just kinda stopped trying. So, I've lost about 10 pounds and thought we'd go ahead and try again. I dream about having a baby - I mean literally have dreams about it. I wasn't ready for years and now that I am it seems like it will never happen. I see myself not becoming pregnant - or at least I fear it. I know whatever happens is God's plan for my life, but I really hope His plans for me include at least one child. If not, I suppose we will adopt. But, I'm really praying for pregnancy. I look at pregnant women and think "wow, I hope that's me someday". I can't imagine what it is like, to look down and run my hands over my taut belly with some little miracle growing inside, because I've never experienced it. I feel old, too. Like I'm running out of time. I'm sad sometimes, too. Because I was married for 9 years - it would have been 13 years this year - and all my friends who are still married from those years ago all have kids now. I guess I'd have kids, too, if we had stayed together. But, at what price? And, that's what I have to remember. I pray all the time that it will be God's will to bless us with a baby of our own that I can carry. The rest is up to us..... better get started..... ;)